Monday, September 2, 2013

Friends with Strings Attached

Ironically, I am addicted to certain romcoms.


Yes, there are a few. But the ones I'd like to discuss today, are of a certain theme. And that theme is:

Fuck buddies

I actually think both these movies came out at the same time; Friends with Benefits & No Strings Attached.

Of course I own both of these. Because a) I love all 4 of these actors: Kunis, Timberlake, Kutcher, and Portman and b) wait, why do I own these movies???


I was watching No Strings Attached, AGAIN, and while I like all of these movies for their witty banter, and oh yeah, Shaun White is in one of them (swoon) (shut up, yes he's short and a ginger, but still...*kinda swoon*) they are "supposed" to be inclusive of the male's POV, unlike other romcoms.


Seriously, that's what they claim.


So, as I'm watching this, and whilst applauding Mila and Natalie for being the strong female whom the guy falls for first; I thought to myself..."Self, you have NEVER had that experience." While I can relate to being the tough, strong female lead, the "friends with benefits" I've had, have NEVER fallen for me.

Thus, I decided to do a timeline of my own "friend's with benefits". All of which didn't fall for me, and THEY were the one's who ended it. Thus contradicting both of these movies.


2004/2005: The earliest fuck buddy I can recall was right after college. I was a bit older, having gone back to college, but still in a young, impressionable state. He was the best friend of my college boyfriend (high five, that bastard deserved for me to sleep with his best friend). Though, in defense, we had flirted WAY before I dated said bastard. We had a fun time, and then he flaked on me, and I called it quits. DO NOT keep a girl waiting; in this crazy world, we can't afford to give extra chances.

1997: Ok, this is no longer in chronological order, because I just remembered a pseudo friend with benefits. This was in high school, when we were still figuring things out. We weren't sleeping together, because we were young. But I would drive over to his house late at night, throw pennies at his window, and he'd let me in. We kept up this escapade for a while, and then one night he told me how he had the hots for my best friend.
W
T
F
And how he was going to ask her to our senior prom.
Seriously.

She didn't know about us, and so, I feigned disinterest, and one night he had a big party... during which he asked her to prom (And I ran through the sprinklers in bewilderment, and to chill the fuck out). A bunch of us crashed at his place, including my best friend, in his room; while my lower grade best friend tried to calm me down about the whole situation since we were sleeping on the couches in the living room. I think I told the friend about it later. She was appalled and told me how her whole family couldn't believe she went to prom with someone whose face looked like a fish.
I got back at him though, by sleeping with his girlfriend. And then a whole love triangle ensued, and now I'll never date girls.

Anyway...

Next: 2005-ish I was playing roller derby, and a few of the girls on the team had this mutual co-worker that they though I'd like, so they invited him to the game. Of course he shows up right before I check a girl into the wall! Awesome timing on my part!
He's a freak and is randomly dressed very 80s for the game, including wearing a key-tar. I bite, we hang out after the game, and then go back to my place. In one of my most amazing moments of grace and elegance, I take off my sports bra, and my mouth guard falls out. Um...that's where I keep it? Shenanigans ensure, and we have a fun night. We try to have a fun night again, he flakes. I reschedule. Again, he flakes. I give up at this point... AND THEN he calls me, too drunk to drive, coming over, blah blah blah. He comes over, wearing TURQUOISE JEWELRY, as a predecessor to  hipster or some shit.
Seriously.
Hijinks ensue, I never hear from him again.

2006: I go through this empowered woman phase. Orchestrated by a close, but temporary friend. She assures me that I am a gorgeous female, and that men should bow down. So, we confidently go forth and assert our sexuality. Basically I go through a short time period, where I have no fear about approaching guys, much to the shock and awe of my compatriots.
One day after roller derby practice, we gaze at a gorgeous specimen of a man playing on the court in which we just tussled about on. I approach him, say hi, and then proceed to make plans to hang out. My friends are impressed... no, amazed, that I had the audacity to do such a thing. I am shy at times, so I can see this being a bit of a shock.
This specimen and I make plans to watch a movie. We don't watch a movie *wink wink*. We then make plans to "not watch a movie" again. Afterwards, I have a weird hang up in where I can't cuddle AND sleep simultaneously. Boy gets offended. Boy never calls again.

2007?: I get introduced to a mutual friend. He makes it clear that he is not interested in a "serious" relationship, but that he wants to be monogamous. Ok, I think; though apparently not logically, because the  two are not mutually exclusive. Duh.
We have a fun time, hang out A LOT. And yet he's super younger than me, and wants to keep things on the down low, so that we aren't "in a serious relationship". Oh yeah, and he's totally into my friend's sister, who is closer to his age. So, on a rough day where I don't get into the classes I need, I go to his place to decompress. He then, invites this girl over so that I don't "seduce him". Yep. And she comes over. And I look like an idiot.
Of course when I get the point, and move on (to one of his close friends) he rips me, and the friend, a new one. THEN said friend passes away, he apologizes, and says he's glad I could come to the wake at his place and is happy everything is cool, I explain to him that it's not cool. Because its not.

2011: A long term relationship ends, and so a previous friend starts to pursue me. He is super hot, super motivated, and super loner. We have a few fun dates in which I can't read him at all (I have a date interpreter for this, a guy friend who I call for "date or not a date"), but it is deemed a date. And then it is determined that he just wants the occasional hook up. I'm ok with this because SUPER HOT. (Yes, go ahead and judge me, but I rarely attract super hot). But yet, this guy calls every day, seems to want more than wheeeee fun time, and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me. And then weirds out when I point this out. He has a busy schedule, I have a busy schedule, so it's not possible in his eyes.
Then Why the FCUK does he call me every day. *Confused*. I give up, this is going nowhere. And then my psycho roommate at the time tells him off. Great. Now I seem cray cray.
He did come over one night when I was stressed, brought me wine and chocolate and gave me a workout until 5am. But, and being candid (bc I've had a few) he NEVER.... um, looking for a metaphor for this.."old faithfulled", "whistled Dixie"??? er, um.... "blew his top".
If you don't get it, just comment and maybe I'll explain.
Anyway, he stills attempts to hang out from time to time, but gurl.... I ain't got no time for dat!

2012: The last one in this list happened after a first date. We had known each other for a bit, and when we went out, it was deemed that I was too busy to date, and he was not interested in me. So, we decided to sleep together, like rational adults. He thought he was the bee's knees, like any bald man under 5'8" does...? So I should be so lucky to get the chance. It was super fun for a while. We were compatible in all the fun physical ways. But then I decided I wanted more. I wanted someone I could wake up with, not leave at 3 in the morning in heels and a slip. He was understanding, and we took a (short) break. When we resumed shortly, he called me one night saying that he wanted to be "just friends". I explained to him that we weren't friends, so how could we revert to that status? He processed this, agreed, and then told me he was pursing another female.



So, this is my conclusion. I CALL MALARKY! These movies give the great impression of the tough female, whom the guy falls in love with and then convinces to love them back. But in all my experiences, the guy backs down, never falls in love, and the girl moves on to rely on vibrators.
The End.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Can someone please illustrate this please!!!!! (or, How to Care for your Ambivert)

So, first read this:

http://amorerising.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/how-to-love-your-ambivert/

Now, go find me someone to illustrate it so it makes sense to others...




Ok, done? Great.

Here's what happened. I was on my couch (about 30 minutes ago) trying to take a nap, but instead crying because I'm going to a concert tonight alone and with a group of people. How is that possible you may ask? Well, I'm going with a group of classmates, one who is a friend, but is extroverted, so immediately forgets I'm there the minute she see's her other friends. The others will just ignore me the whole night because I'm not an extrovert and they are poopy jerkfaces. (Sorry, I still need a nap).

In the midst of trying to nap, but crying instead, I decided to see if there was something online about how to care for someone who wasn't an extrovert OR introvert (Actually I was just going to write my own and then hope someone would illustrate it). When I happened across "Ambiverts". It explains some of my conundrum, but not completely.

I still think this article is missing something that I, and maybe other, Ambiverts are missing, but first a little background:

Currently I am in a nursing program, meaning my schedule changes every 3-4 months, money is an issue, I have to study and miss out on a lot of life, so people forget about you, I'm single.


This is coupled with:

Many of my friends either don't live nearby,  or are married,  or have kids,  or work long hours,  and/or work very different hours than I do,  or are only available when I'm working and studying.

= Lonely

What this article needs to address, is that it's lonely to be an Ambivert. You ARE adaptable, you ARE accommodating, you ARE a balance of both worlds. But this can lead to difficulty making friends, especially if they fit either of the other two types.

The Extrovert friend already has lots of friends and plans, and you tend to get lost in the mix.

The Introvert friend doesn't want to go out, or wants to go home early.

Don't get me wrong, both can be great friends on different levels. But what do you do until you get to that point?

As an Ambivert I watch as my introverted friends complain about all the fun plans they HAVE to go to on the weekend and my extroverted friends have TOO many plans AND friends to bother to invite me.


It has left me in this frustrating state of doing everything alone, going to Target WAY too much (late at night, to get out of the house) and in a general state of annoyance.

What I really need is a few friends who are available, live nearby, like to go out, can go out, and do go out. I'm not complaining about my other friends, I am very grateful for them. What I'm getting at here, is that as a single, childless, student, I NEED some friends of similar status who go out and do things in my neck of the woods, on a regular basis.


And someone to illustrate this.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I don't have a type, but...

(Warning, this may be the most un-pc blog I ever write...maybe.)


(...see that's the thing with this topic, my bff and I discussed it and apparently when guys like only Asian girls, it has to do with cultural differences, submissive vs. dominant and so forth... And then we got into why Hispanic guys like white girls, and how I work in sushi restaurant with Asian girls and everyone has the hots for them, but the Hispanic kitchen guys have the hots for me, and wow... tangent!) (Whereas in my case its just because their legs are less hairy. The Asian guys, not girls, wait what were we talking about?) (Oh yeah, this entry is about why I'm attracted to Asian guys.)

Why I Am Attracted to Asian Guys

Being an online dater, I recently signed up for a paid site; having been encouraged by others that I would find more legit, relationship-wanting types on there. One of the first things I noticed (besides, "Oh shit, I spent money, shit got real! I better find someone!") was that I was more attracted to the Asian guys on there. Part of it may be that I'm still reeling about the last guy I dated, who was Burmese, and who I thought was the one. But then I shook that off and decided there were other reasons for this sudden realization that I'm attracted to this "type".

Ironically, tonight a few of my friends asked me what my type was (assuming that maybe I was going for the wrong type and should broaden my scope). I have a speech written out for this very question:
"The only thing any of my former boyfriends have in common is that they were male. If you put them in a room together, they probably wouldn't be friends." Oh, and none of them were Asian.


Ok, I dated someone who was half Filipino, half Black (and all gorgeous! Though I had to end things when he played air keyboard way too long at a club).

Anyway, I also was told I need some pictures in my blog, so this is a good excuse...

Reason #1 (sort of in no particular order)
Senor G (names have been changed to protect identity), Senor G was a half Dutch, half Japanese guy in my high school. He was handsome, played piano, sports, super smart, super artistic, super slut. For some reason that Dutch/Japanese combo = gorgeous. I had another female friend in HS with the same combo and what what, gorgeous!
But superman here was a cocky bastard. Still, a stepping stone.

Reason #2
(Now we get to the pictures)
Bruce Lee
Dude, yellow jump suit, ripped body, can we say hot!?!
I had the box set of his movies, and a Bruce Lee shrine in my first apartment. More because it was funny to have a shrine, and I happened to have a Bruce Lee bobble head, but still... hot.

Reason #3
Sulu
 
Here's where he is defending a woman's honor. Oh, and his facebook presence is hilarious.

#4
Joy Luck Club with Russell Wong
Seriously, he eats watermelon in this movie, and it one of THE sexiest things I have ever seen. Oh, and he's wearing a suit, but his character is an ass, but who cares because SUIT and WATERMELON!
 
#5
Mother Fuckin RUFIO!

 Bangarang baby!

Only to be undone by how hot he is now!

#6
Steven Yeun, Walking Dead

 
 Seriously, once he got rid of the baseball cap, I swooned. Maggie is a lucky fictional character to get to tap that!

#7
John Cho

 Need I say more...

#8
Brandon Lee, pre "The Crow"

Yes, that's what he was famous for, but he did movies before that. Go rent them.
Oh, and I just realized "Sea Urchin boy" from my previous posts is a spitting image of him.

#9
Ken Jeong

Dude, funny as hell AND he's a doctor!

#10
Honorable Mentions
Or, I'm really tired so look these guys up yo'self!

Jay Chou, Green Hornet
Toshiro Mifune, legend
Ken Watanabe, Memoirs of a Geisha
Chang Chen, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon


So, I don't know what it is. But it's there.

Of course, when I was in Tokyo, thinking I'd stick out like a sore thumb, not one guy even batted an eye at me.
But, at least it was fun looking at (in my opinion) hot guys to put on my blog.




p.s. Keep your fingers crossed that some 6' hawt Asian guy falls for me online. Or I meet John Cho.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Why I NOW like the movie "Bridesmaids"

When I first saw the movie, Bridesmaids, I thought... "Ug, they finally make a movie with all female comedians and they make them all pathetic!" Why can't a movie with all females have them be rich girls with daddy issues like most of the Adam Sandler movies I shamelessly watch (and know word for word). Or where they're the ones who ask the guy to leave in the morning and have no emotional connection for the opposite sex except to use them for their body, until the guy who is their best friend suddenly changes all that? Can we PLEASE redo a romcom with the roles reversed??

Ok, done with that rant, back to the OG point.

I was encouraged to watch it again, by my therapist. She was reminded of the opening scene where Kristen Wiig can't get out of the guy's house, she just slept with, the next morning; after I told her about leaving sea urchin boy's house when my car wouldn't go in reverse.

So, I watched it again. And this time I freakishly connected with the main character, realized how many times I was her and how real this movie was. Brash, blatant, and to the point. She is in so many situations that many of us have been in, and has thus put a mirror up for us to see the truth.

And that truth isn't always pretty.

I too have slept with a guy(s) who thought he was the shit and that I wasn't good enough. They weren't as built, or as handsome as the guy in the film (though the guy in the film quickly looses all handsome points based on his personality).  One was actually short, skinny, bald AND super obsessed with his mustache... and thought I wasn't good enough for him, and HE was the one who decided we should stop sleeping together!

Why do we waste our time Kristen Wiig?? We are better then these guys who think they're better than us!


There were a few other moments in the movie that really made sense, but I've forgotten them and now have to watch the movie again to finish this blog (or not) at a later time.




And now I'm also really annoyed by mustaches.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

So...

You know its been a long time since you've been in a real relationship when the knights at Medieval Times (in Dallas nonetheless) start looking good.


I mean they CAN ride horses AND sword fight...



AND jump off said horses and wield axes and joust and they're tall and

and

and

No?


:(

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Annoyed pants

Maybe I'm a little tired, so something small and insignificant set me off...

Went to stop by a friend's bday at a bar after a loooong day of gutting my garagelet (think closet + garage, it makes sense in my head). I'm in flip flops, no makeup and I walk into uber-trendy-everybody-dressed-up-on-the-prowel-bar.

Notinthemood.

I want to give my friend her bday/emergency tiara and gtfo.

Instead another friend grabs me, makes me have a gross medicinal tasting gross shot of something gross, and go watch her talk to her friends outside. So I wait a few minutes, then leave, in my annoyed pants.

On the way out, get a text from one of the many guys I dated who decided never to text me again after I thought things were going so well. He's there, saw me. I tell him I'm leaving, and to come outside. I wait. I wait. I leave.

45 minutes later hes texting me. I'm curtailing this quickly. But I wanted to rant a bit (before I cry and watch a Katherine Heigel movie) (yes I'm serious, I told you I was tired!)


Oh, AND I ranted on a public-ish forum too...My okcupid profile. I announced on there that I was deleting my profile soon, and that ya'll should put on your big boy skivvies and let a girl know that you're not interested in a relationship instead of not ever talking to her again. Oh, and also deleted all other stuff about me on there. And am tempted to post a SomEcard on their that's very snarky.


Sigh, stupid dating scene.