Chickens

Having not heard from the awesome guy that I had gone on a bunch of dates with lately, and was starting to get the gut feeling that he wasn't as into me as it seemed, I sent him a text saying the following:

"Hey, I don't know if we lost momentum, you're busy or you met someone else; so I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed spending time with you."

This is his response:

"Aww, thank you. I really had fun too! Have been super busy. I'd like to hang out again soon. But as friends and not in the romantic way if that makes sense.

Me: "Yep. bummer."

Ok, for any guys reading this, if you are not interested in a girl "romantically" don't tell her you want to raise chickens at her place!!! This implies that you want to spend time there, or possibly even, move in.

There are a lot of other 'don'ts' that happened as well (don't make her dinner, take her ice skating, talk about having kids, or any other things that may be deemed "romantic".) but we won't get into them. Basically, your vocabulary should only consist of words in the present or past tense.

I was thrilled about the chickens, and that he grows his own kale. I was even starting to think about how freakin' blonde our kids would be (he's blonder than me, a toehead) and Viking like. I mean basically our kids would come out of the womb with axes, Nordic beards and speaking Swedish! They'd be so Swedish they'd raid and pillage Ikea and re-claim Solvang for their hunting ground and lingonberry farm.

I digress...

So, this led me to the question that I really don't want the answer to, "What is wrong with me?" For quite some time, my love life has been riddled with rejection. Yes, this is the universe telling me that I'm in an intense degree program and really don't have time for guys, but I am still lonely.

Instead I call up a close friend (or 3), one of who which explains to me that I am THE TRIFECTA.

Smart.

Pretty.

and, um... I forgot the third, a nice ass or something.

She was a great support, and gawfed wonderfully at the ridiculous of the text message. Yet I am still at a loss. Confused. I really thought that he liked me, there was tangible evidence to support this claim. But I don't know what happened. We could have had chickens together.

Moment of weakness

Some days you just feel like a fat whale who will be lonely and single forever...

The Silent but Deadly Text

In comprising this list of text messages that can ultimately help you lose a girl, I failed to realize that NOT texting can be as detrimental as sending a deal breaker text. It is the equivalent of hanging up on someone, or not responding to an email. If this was World War II and I was writing to my beloved, NOT receiving a timely letter correspondence would most likely mean that he had been killed (or had been captured, realized his love for Ryan's privates, or had been cleverly hiding in Budapest disguised as a woman.) The point being, if this was any time in the past, no response could be construed as someone's unfortunately tragic death! Just to give us some perspective.

Why do I bring this up? Today I received two text messages from potential suitors. One I had not heard from since January 2nd! And we still haven't met (yes, this is someone I've pseudo met from an online dating site). He engaged in some friendly banter, then disappeared again.
The second was someone I've been on a few dates with. I contacted him around 2pm, and didn't hear back until after 9pm. I responded with a clever, yet fun and inviting text, and then heard nothing again for 45 minutes.
To me, I have come to expect a text message in maybe 3-4 hours after the initial text. I could be way out of the ballpark on this one, but 13 days? 7 hours? In my honest opinion, this doesn't say to me, "I like you." I am open for discussion, but my point of view is that communication, especially silence, tells more than we think it does. While I firmly believe that "...a wise man knows when to shut up." I also believe that a fool takes a long time to text back.

First date: Lunch tacos

With that experience paving the way this excursion, I trotted on, very amused and excited to share my ridiculous pantless story with my friends. Hence, in a fit of one drinking one night, I reentered the world of online dating, and made myself a profile. Within minutes I was chatting up what I deemed a higher caliber of gentlemen, unknowing that these would prove to be fodder for my future blog.

 One guy in particular seemed destined to make the cut. Super tall (I’m a tree climber), from a huge family, volunteers, active, successful, and has a dog! We exchanged numbers with plans to get drinks soon and the next day he called! Voice a bit monotone, but deep (good thing), was friendly, cheeky, and up front. Maybe a bit too upfront…

 After our initial convo, then came the texts…

 

“What color underwear are you wearing?”

 

“(Picture of him, neck down, in just a towel)”

 

“Send me a picture of you in your panties”

 

And so on. It got to be so frequent I had to turn my phone off. I postponed our date until the next week, and told him I was unavailable to talk until then. He calmed down the texts, but on the way to our lunch date, once again…

 

“What color underwear are you wearing?”

 

Sigh.

 

In person, he was even more monotone (think the teachers in the Peanuts cartoons). And nothing of the text monster was revealed, which in my book is even worst. If you’re going to be creepy, don’t hide behind your text messages, own it! Be funny about it, but don’t be a coward!

 

And, in the middle of lunch, he got up, bought himself a cookie, and didn’t get one for me!!

OH HELL NO!

 

But it did make for the inspiration for this blog name.

 

No second date

First date: Disneyland

 

It has always been this weird fantasy of mine to go on dates at Disneyland. I have an annual pass, my friends have annual passes, and we go quite frequently. Some think us odd, but mostly I think they are jealous. “You’re going to Disneyland AGAIN?!” they often ask. But secretly I know they wish they could go. I explain that I work hard, so I play hard, and why the hell not!?  So, when a friend of mine started flirting with me, and I knew he lived in Anaheim and had an annual pass, I suggested a Disney date.

Warning, do not do this until a few dates in!

Most dates, I’ve noticed since diving into the online world, are what I call “pre-dates” or “mini-dates” wherein you do not commit to something longer than frozen yogurt or ‘a’ drink. Then you aren’t stuck with someone you may not like for longer than you need to determine they drive you nuts or bore you into a coma.

Despite his huge stage personality, that I had gotten to know from our previous interactions, he wasn’t very talkative. And definitely did not ask much about myself. I found myself searching for conversation topics and eventually he started texting his girlfriend (yes, I said girlfriend, as in open relationship). The night dragged on, until we got stuck on a ride in which the posted time of 90 minutes for the wait, turned into 3 HOURS!! It was epically frustrating, but then something odd happened…

We

Cuddled
!

Yes, for the remainder of the ride, we cuddled, as if to awkwardly say, well, we’re stuck here, not much else to do, sick of trying to talk, so what the heck! It was actually enjoyable, the ride was fun, and I even agreed to come up to his place for 15 minutes.

Silly me.

He started kissing me the minute we got into the apartment, and within 90 seconds

He

Took

Off

His

Pants

No, not just his pants, his skivvies too! Yes, the man was shirt cocked. Seriously?!?

 

Me: Um, really?
Him: Yeah…
Me:
Him: Wanna give me a blow job?
Me: ah, no.

 

So, that was that. We’re still friends. Things seem to be going great with his girlfriend (per all their adorable Instagram posts) and me, I’m still alone. But for some reason, not giving up on the Disney date thing…

 

No second date.

Prologue

Welcome to Lonelyville, population: you.

It has come to my recent attention as of late, that I am continually lonely. Due to the intense nature of the program in which I am matriculating, it is next to impossible to date regularly, so during my interim I decided it was time to get off my lonely horse and meet some potential suitors. As I have only a short time to delve into this dating world, I can’t, realistically, take it too seriously, and as a few of my dates have proven, neither can they.

What sparked this whole debacle, might you ask? After a recent booty call in which I was asked to leave after said act (he wasn’t rude about it, just tired), I realized that I wanted more. Not from this particular person, but in general, from "dating". I wanted to be seen outside of the bedroom, in public with someone. I wanted to stay the night and maybe even, dare I say, cuddle!

But mainly, I was lonely. And I am no longer afraid to admit that I would like to find someone awesome, get married, have kids, and do it my way. What is my way you may ask? I don’t fit the cookie cutter idea of all of this hoopla. My path has never been typical, and thus I don’t expect the same of my future mate. So, I plan to document my return to the dating world, find the humor in it, and have some adventures. I'm not taking this as the end all of me dating, since in less than 2 months I return to medical school and will have no time to sleep or eat, let alone date. But I feel it’s important to let the universe know that I'm interested, and at least try to meet people that want me to stay a little longer...