Friends with Strings Attached

Ironically, I am addicted to certain romcoms.


Yes, there are a few. But the ones I'd like to discuss today, are of a certain theme. And that theme is:

Fuck buddies

I actually think both these movies came out at the same time; Friends with Benefits & No Strings Attached.

Of course I own both of these. Because a) I love all 4 of these actors: Kunis, Timberlake, Kutcher, and Portman and b) wait, why do I own these movies???


I was watching No Strings Attached, AGAIN, and while I like all of these movies for their witty banter, and oh yeah, Shaun White is in one of them (swoon) (shut up, yes he's short and a ginger, but still...*kinda swoon*) they are "supposed" to be inclusive of the male's POV, unlike other romcoms.


Seriously, that's what they claim.


So, as I'm watching this, and whilst applauding Mila and Natalie for being the strong female whom the guy falls for first; I thought to myself..."Self, you have NEVER had that experience." While I can relate to being the tough, strong female lead, the "friends with benefits" I've had, have NEVER fallen for me.

Thus, I decided to do a timeline of my own "friend's with benefits". All of which didn't fall for me, and THEY were the one's who ended it. Thus contradicting both of these movies.


2004/2005: The earliest fuck buddy I can recall was right after college. I was a bit older, having gone back to college, but still in a young, impressionable state. He was the best friend of my college boyfriend (high five, that bastard deserved for me to sleep with his best friend). Though, in defense, we had flirted WAY before I dated said bastard. We had a fun time, and then he flaked on me, and I called it quits. DO NOT keep a girl waiting; in this crazy world, we can't afford to give extra chances.

1997: Ok, this is no longer in chronological order, because I just remembered a pseudo friend with benefits. This was in high school, when we were still figuring things out. We weren't sleeping together, because we were young. But I would drive over to his house late at night, throw pennies at his window, and he'd let me in. We kept up this escapade for a while, and then one night he told me how he had the hots for my best friend.
W
T
F
And how he was going to ask her to our senior prom.
Seriously.

She didn't know about us, and so, I feigned disinterest, and one night he had a big party... during which he asked her to prom (And I ran through the sprinklers in bewilderment, and to chill the fuck out). A bunch of us crashed at his place, including my best friend, in his room; while my lower grade best friend tried to calm me down about the whole situation since we were sleeping on the couches in the living room. I think I told the friend about it later. She was appalled and told me how her whole family couldn't believe she went to prom with someone whose face looked like a fish.
I got back at him though, by sleeping with his girlfriend. And then a whole love triangle ensued, and now I'll never date girls.

Anyway...

Next: 2005-ish I was playing roller derby, and a few of the girls on the team had this mutual co-worker that they though I'd like, so they invited him to the game. Of course he shows up right before I check a girl into the wall! Awesome timing on my part!
He's a freak and is randomly dressed very 80s for the game, including wearing a key-tar. I bite, we hang out after the game, and then go back to my place. In one of my most amazing moments of grace and elegance, I take off my sports bra, and my mouth guard falls out. Um...that's where I keep it? Shenanigans ensure, and we have a fun night. We try to have a fun night again, he flakes. I reschedule. Again, he flakes. I give up at this point... AND THEN he calls me, too drunk to drive, coming over, blah blah blah. He comes over, wearing TURQUOISE JEWELRY, as a predecessor to  hipster or some shit.
Seriously.
Hijinks ensue, I never hear from him again.

2006: I go through this empowered woman phase. Orchestrated by a close, but temporary friend. She assures me that I am a gorgeous female, and that men should bow down. So, we confidently go forth and assert our sexuality. Basically I go through a short time period, where I have no fear about approaching guys, much to the shock and awe of my compatriots.
One day after roller derby practice, we gaze at a gorgeous specimen of a man playing on the court in which we just tussled about on. I approach him, say hi, and then proceed to make plans to hang out. My friends are impressed... no, amazed, that I had the audacity to do such a thing. I am shy at times, so I can see this being a bit of a shock.
This specimen and I make plans to watch a movie. We don't watch a movie *wink wink*. We then make plans to "not watch a movie" again. Afterwards, I have a weird hang up in where I can't cuddle AND sleep simultaneously. Boy gets offended. Boy never calls again.

2007?: I get introduced to a mutual friend. He makes it clear that he is not interested in a "serious" relationship, but that he wants to be monogamous. Ok, I think; though apparently not logically, because the  two are not mutually exclusive. Duh.
We have a fun time, hang out A LOT. And yet he's super younger than me, and wants to keep things on the down low, so that we aren't "in a serious relationship". Oh yeah, and he's totally into my friend's sister, who is closer to his age. So, on a rough day where I don't get into the classes I need, I go to his place to decompress. He then, invites this girl over so that I don't "seduce him". Yep. And she comes over. And I look like an idiot.
Of course when I get the point, and move on (to one of his close friends) he rips me, and the friend, a new one. THEN said friend passes away, he apologizes, and says he's glad I could come to the wake at his place and is happy everything is cool, I explain to him that it's not cool. Because its not.

2011: A long term relationship ends, and so a previous friend starts to pursue me. He is super hot, super motivated, and super loner. We have a few fun dates in which I can't read him at all (I have a date interpreter for this, a guy friend who I call for "date or not a date"), but it is deemed a date. And then it is determined that he just wants the occasional hook up. I'm ok with this because SUPER HOT. (Yes, go ahead and judge me, but I rarely attract super hot). But yet, this guy calls every day, seems to want more than wheeeee fun time, and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me. And then weirds out when I point this out. He has a busy schedule, I have a busy schedule, so it's not possible in his eyes.
Then Why the FCUK does he call me every day. *Confused*. I give up, this is going nowhere. And then my psycho roommate at the time tells him off. Great. Now I seem cray cray.
He did come over one night when I was stressed, brought me wine and chocolate and gave me a workout until 5am. But, and being candid (bc I've had a few) he NEVER.... um, looking for a metaphor for this.."old faithfulled", "whistled Dixie"??? er, um.... "blew his top".
If you don't get it, just comment and maybe I'll explain.
Anyway, he stills attempts to hang out from time to time, but gurl.... I ain't got no time for dat!

2012: The last one in this list happened after a first date. We had known each other for a bit, and when we went out, it was deemed that I was too busy to date, and he was not interested in me. So, we decided to sleep together, like rational adults. He thought he was the bee's knees, like any bald man under 5'8" does...? So I should be so lucky to get the chance. It was super fun for a while. We were compatible in all the fun physical ways. But then I decided I wanted more. I wanted someone I could wake up with, not leave at 3 in the morning in heels and a slip. He was understanding, and we took a (short) break. When we resumed shortly, he called me one night saying that he wanted to be "just friends". I explained to him that we weren't friends, so how could we revert to that status? He processed this, agreed, and then told me he was pursing another female.



So, this is my conclusion. I CALL MALARKY! These movies give the great impression of the tough female, whom the guy falls in love with and then convinces to love them back. But in all my experiences, the guy backs down, never falls in love, and the girl moves on to rely on vibrators.
The End.